10.

Wanna scream so loud, the others will have no way out but to look at me. No way out but to feel a little I am feeling all way around the corner of my heart. My soul is messed up with missings, I can not figure out how to hold it, I just want to get out of here, I just want to be ok with tears, fears, all things that makes me wanna to give up. But now I don't want to hold it anymore. I just want to be able to climb a couple of steps and watch you in the kitchen, hear you playing on the ground with the messy games and soccer ball I gave you.
Or at least be away from home and have the same old excuse of missing it a lot, and tell it to others who can understand it, even if they don't always agree with me.
It is good to be away, and now I want it much more I ever want it.
I need someone who can hold me and say that everything is ok, that I will find something that will warm my heart a lot of time, and not just some days, some hours, some time. Someone who can hug me and never let me go, and let me fall asleep in the arms.
Here not even my real family appreciates that I am back, they conformise that is whats normal, to have me here. But it is not for me, I want to watch you grow, and I want you to have me as something beautifully special and as a sister who can love you like no one.

Coming to you, someday. Today just let me get out of here.

9.

Tomorrow I'm going to be arrested. With 18 already, I am about to be arrested in the arms of strangers, they call for me, they scream for me, they want me to be more me than myself. I can't, one more time. There's nothing more to give up from, there is no time for silly conversations, or silly attitudes of someone desesperatly in love. There's a message way to close to ignore. There's something out there I can feel it, I can smell it.
Tomorrow's a festival, eyes on my v-neck, eyes on my legs, eyes on my desperation of being much better, to have a better body, to have my fes with me, to be beautiful, to stop breathing like the ugliest person on the planet would breathe. But either way, I can't actually breathe no more.
I feel so alone that not even the loudest scream in the world could ease the pain. It hurts so bad this time, there is no way out. To walk millions of miles would be the greatest answer, but there's not even money for new shoes.

Can't give up from tomorrow, I've promised, and my word on a day like this is the only way to preserve my sanity. Outside of the world I could be me, now I need to cry.