8.

A kid's passion, a black passion, another guy, a few years ago. A hand full of fears I could swear that have belong to me. Then the year, the one's just passed. The one's just fade away. Then monologues, empty monologues that will never mean anything. Brasilian songs, a long-pretended lost record I've just found, pretending to warm a cold heart completed by distance, missings and loneliness.
The destiny have just made what all this means, and I can not even understand what is that. Whoever fashion tv's on, the house is empty, and I can hear the starts breathing.
I can't just fucking hold on on this, just like it doesn't even make any difference the tries I keep making to make all this become poetry, become beautiful to read, because it is not so beautiful to feel, to always wake up from nightmares I can not manage, those when I am wide awake.
Now those kids are kids no more, and they have passions way to old for them. They emacipated themselfs from me, they don't love me anymore. And I can't love this here either.
They haven't stop love me because I've changed, but because I went away. While me, I can't love this here because I've changed. They don't love anymore, not the "beautiful soul" one of them told me once I was.
I've been crying since I'm back, because I am really convinced that I will not make it. I think, I powerfully feel that I must be a part of you, while you crawling, while you say your first word. Because I can't just live in the most beautiful place without having what I fought for this year; I just can't live in the most beautiful country alone.
There's no more kid to offer myself to. There's no one in love with me, one of them have just told me a few minutes ago, "I don't love you anymore, I am finally seeing someone, and I really like her. You do not have to worry again of hiding your friendship fearing my fall for you. I was in the floor already, but now I like someone else". I just though I was almost sure I'd give my friendship, and more I can't give. But maybe I haven't at all, not for him. For a moment I was in peace with it, with a smile on my lips. Then I realized that more I stay here, more I am alone.
I know in there I'm alone too, but I can hold my baby, I can hug him, I can keep him safe.
I admit, I just want him to remember me. Like these kids will not.

.

Sadness in my eyes, in my soul, in me. Where did my happiness go? Why can i not just smile to you, like I did before? Smile without the sadness. A happy smile. A loving smile, my smile to you. I like you, i like you even more than i did before. I wish i could explain it to you, explain how I feel, but i can't, it is the sadness inside of me.
Please, don't worry I will be fine. With you I will.
I will be happy again.
I promise that I will.

<3

The plate in my hands that I’m washing says Designed in Sweden, made in Portugal. The phone rings, a call from Germany. A visitor in the office, an American. But I’m not the one who was in Sweden to see how the plate got it's form and shape. Not the one who saw how the plate got made. I'm not the one who answers the phone and not the one who welcomed the visitor. I’m the one with the memories. The memories, deep inside of me. Myself with those memories connected with all those countries.
I feel alone, I only can share it with you, feel it with you, know it with you, but you are not here.
I feel alone, not myself, losing myself scared to give away the memories and the connection.
Come back and find me coz I feel alone….

7.

Now that I've found myself talking in each corner of my house, alone, to nobody but myself, my soul desperate to find proofs that what I've been through this couple of months before this is true, the american life, the american dream everybody ask me about, stuff that I want to mark and remark, things that I want to keep; now I know: I am blind, confused and confused again, fearing my own madness, my emptiness that never leaved me, the solitude always abandoned. screw all the feeling I must have in here, talking alone all the time makes me fall apart down the walls, a lousyness that makes me remember my childhood times when I was empty too, without knowing it. Because here, I don't have you. Here I can't hold on, not without you holding me. Here, there's no empty parking lots, here there's no Panera Bread, here there's no Macys to fear. Here is no answear to all the questions I've been questing for, and now the tear is sign that not now, not tomorrow or in fifty years you will belong to me the way you use to. What kind of sister leaves forever?

6.

I thought that turning eighteen would be empty, cold and scary. It was not like that, though. But was different; at a certain point I was just wondering how if you could be here with me. Even if I just close my eyes and you would be here with me. But it is not the same. I couldn't give my eyes, the window of the soul, sureness about anything. I don't know how to escape this solitude, the greatest of all, the hardest, the personnal, the Solitude.
I am at home, I feel at home, I feel good.
But inside me I know that now this is not the only one. That I have one with a basement and a second floor, that I have a big kitchen and a big tv, and that I will have you with me, forever. And that is so real and so unreal. And not fair.

I miss your touch, I miss your talking, I miss your laugh and smile. I miss your soul, James.

for you

Your words you spoke to me, your words you wrote to me, your handwriting your voice.
I see it when I close my eyes I hear it in my head, but it is not the same. You are not here with me. I can’t believe I don’t have you with me, I will only hear your voice when I call you and I will only see your handwriting when you write me a letter. But even then you are not in person next to me. I know you will be strong and I have to be strong too but I never thought about that I will never have you close by.
I’ll come to you even if I have to walk even if I don’t have GAASS I will come.
I want to hug you, embrace you, look at you as a friend as my special friend. With your voice with your handwriting but especially with you!

5.

The world is mad because you're leaving. The clouds have come together and are screaming to those who try to get out of four walls and a roof. Your place can not be replaced and the sky knows it.
I wonder the turbulence that you must have right now in your open wings, mine are hurt, I can't fly.
It is unbeliavable that you actually left; maybe I just can not accept it, and then I can not react. The hole I can feel. Huge, deep, cold hole that keeps eating me and my day, or what is left of it. A disgusting hole that makes me feel alone and abandoned.
The sky start crying, sorrowful and regretfull for letting you go. And I, here I stay for another week, and away from you the rest of my life. And the sky knows it.
But the moon is coming, and with it more sunrises. They will come. And like you said, "it will come anyway, lets accept it".
I will, when the time come. Until then let me miss you, and ever after, 'cause your hand hold mine, and I will never let you go.

Sê forte, fofinha.

4.

Graduate. The purple lines fell for the first time in the left side, and a purple cloud appeared in the skies, while purple tears came out of them. The next second, and all the ones before it remain as a silence too painfull to appreciate, or too beautiful to not regret going back.
The touch finally came out, the hands shacking catched breaths that were sacred. A balloon sneaked under the table, and I was watching as the wales don't watch the fish they swallow. Was pure, was real.

I just wanted to scream and end up smiling. In the end, I understand that the end would never come. Never will.

3.

Same old story. Degradation, darkness indeed, deep inside. We are back to the same feeling of loss, of running time.
The sand is almost gone, almost over. The same sand that have been touching my fingers for all this months, those months that I couldn't feel more than watch. Watch carefully, though. But I just couldn't feel nothing more than whispers of enthusiasm, and now and then fear and sadness.
The tea is cold now, freazing with ice, summer approaching. With it, Portugal, Holland, Germany, Sweden, Polland, Korea, Italy, France, Bolivia, Chile, Brasil. Nothing more than running away from here. My heart will belong almost in every country in the world. Any corner. Any feeling.
And will be empty with saudade. Empty without you.
Yes, I am dark, yes I am. But I have an excuse this time - loving you guys so much. I fell for you. I am in love with you.

FES!!!

WE ARE EXCHANGE STUDENTS So much is said about being an exchange student,but only when you experience it. Things make sense. It is definitely not easy and whether you want it or not, you´ll end up changing and growing. Once your exchange is done YOU finally realize that you can handle way more than you could and would ever imagine. You need to appreciate things you have because they might be gone sooner than you think. Life is not easy. True friendships are really forever. The best part about being an exchange student is not about the parties or places you get to go. Not the independence and life experience, but the friendships. I´m not talking about the friends you made from your host country but about the other exchange-student friends. For most of us, they were the very first "friends" we had in this new experience. We met them in orientation meetings or trips, etc. They were the first people we actually talk to without having the fear of speaking in a different language. No matter what, there´s a big difference between "host country friends" and "exchange student friends". Exchange students have a special bond. Despite language and cultural differences, you´ll understand one another because you experience similar situations. The hardest part of facing the end of your exchange year is to accept the fact that it´s gonna take a while until you have the chance to travel the world to see your exchange friends again. Because once you leave your host country, deep down inside, you know that sooner or later you´ll be back, but when are you going to have enough money and time to travel the world again??? Some of us became friends because we were placed in the same schools, lived in the town nearby each other. Others we met along the year, during trips and meetings... The trips... first day nobody knows each other, everyone is shy... By the end of the trip everybody knows everybody and says good bye in the last day is as sad as when we left our friends and family in our home countries... How many lifetime friendships and romances started with. "How can I say this in your language?" It´s hard to believe that so much can start from such a simple sentence! Does this story sound familiar to you??? Just wait, it gets worse... The very first trip, when it is time to leave is not so terrible because you have the whole year ahead of you, so the chances of meeting everyone again are very big. Time goes by and your year is slowly getting to an end. You have your last trip... Probably it will be the very last time you´ll see most of yourexchange friends for "God-knows-how-many-years"... this feeling is just horrible!!! It´s when you wish things would never end. When you wish you could turn back time and do everything again, and maybe do what you want but never had the guts to, like kissing that girl/boy or spending more time with A, B and C... And there you are, saying good-bye, fighting the tears and making promises to people that you could never imagine you would meet in your life... Unfortunately, things don´t always work as we want and not that everything is possible... Once your year is done, it is when you realize who you will ALWAYS miss the most. Your exchange friends spread all over the world. And one day you´re gonna be at a Geography or history class and as some countries are mentioned, you´ll think about your friends that are half way around the world away from you, and you´ll have to fight the tears again... Their occasional letters, phone calls and emails are going to be of unbelievable value and will bring joy to your bad day/week. And this is what this email is about. Most of us never thanked these ´friends? and never said how much they mean to us. So here it is 'THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU? You are all wonderful, special and unique, and I´ve been made a better person just by knowing you. You´ve made my year unforgettable. And I don´t think I´ll ever forget the time we spent together! Hopefully we will meet again someday! Doesn´t matter how many miles keep us apart. I´ll always be here for you. The end of our exchange year doesn´t mean the end of friendships. As said before true friendships are forever? "As we go on, we remember all the times we had together. And as our lives change, come whatever. We will still be friends forever".

3.

"I can't imagine, any greater fear, then waking up, without you here. And though the sun, would still shine on, my whole world, would all be gone, but not for long.
iI I had to run, if I had to crawl, if I had to swim a hundred rivers, just to climb a thousand walls. Always know that I would find a way, to get to where you are, there's no place that far.
It wouldn't matter why we're apart, lonely miles or two stubborn hearts. Nothing short of God above, could turn me away from your love. I need you that much. Always know that I would find a way, to get to where you are. There's no place that far. Baby there's no place that far."

2.

At the same time that I miss home I just want to keep myself away from the lusitano feeling that got to be inside me in time to go back. And I don't want to leave, not now.
I can barely see anything without wanting to accept that I do not belong here, I don't, but I want to stay. Want to be able to hug my baby, want to be here and know what to feel at any time.
The fact that I don't want to go back, nearer to those who love me, those who helped me to be the person I am today, the little girl I am inside, with all these hopes and fears, all the walls I built and will never fall, those the same I can't stand no more, those can only sufocate me

I can not be myself far away again. No more. Never again...

shit.

1.

must come back, this time. Same shit with all my fears that are fears no more; but passion, friendship, my beautiful fes, those I catched and will have to leave in 30 days, one month. And it hurts not knowing what to feel, if fear, if a little nervous inside my stomach full of butterflies, butter. But the compromise of having to leave, that could not be worse.

Hate being so me again. Hate it, but it gotta be, I have to go back. Tomorrow.