8.

A kid's passion, a black passion, another guy, a few years ago. A hand full of fears I could swear that have belong to me. Then the year, the one's just passed. The one's just fade away. Then monologues, empty monologues that will never mean anything. Brasilian songs, a long-pretended lost record I've just found, pretending to warm a cold heart completed by distance, missings and loneliness.
The destiny have just made what all this means, and I can not even understand what is that. Whoever fashion tv's on, the house is empty, and I can hear the starts breathing.
I can't just fucking hold on on this, just like it doesn't even make any difference the tries I keep making to make all this become poetry, become beautiful to read, because it is not so beautiful to feel, to always wake up from nightmares I can not manage, those when I am wide awake.
Now those kids are kids no more, and they have passions way to old for them. They emacipated themselfs from me, they don't love me anymore. And I can't love this here either.
They haven't stop love me because I've changed, but because I went away. While me, I can't love this here because I've changed. They don't love anymore, not the "beautiful soul" one of them told me once I was.
I've been crying since I'm back, because I am really convinced that I will not make it. I think, I powerfully feel that I must be a part of you, while you crawling, while you say your first word. Because I can't just live in the most beautiful place without having what I fought for this year; I just can't live in the most beautiful country alone.
There's no more kid to offer myself to. There's no one in love with me, one of them have just told me a few minutes ago, "I don't love you anymore, I am finally seeing someone, and I really like her. You do not have to worry again of hiding your friendship fearing my fall for you. I was in the floor already, but now I like someone else". I just though I was almost sure I'd give my friendship, and more I can't give. But maybe I haven't at all, not for him. For a moment I was in peace with it, with a smile on my lips. Then I realized that more I stay here, more I am alone.
I know in there I'm alone too, but I can hold my baby, I can hug him, I can keep him safe.
I admit, I just want him to remember me. Like these kids will not.